Sometimes I fall asleep at the wheel. I also sometimes sleep through alarm clocks, which is a more common problem for me. So a few months ago, when I needed to leave at 2:00am to catch a flight for my aunt's wedding, I simply opted not to go to bed at all. I could always sleep on the flight, right? The first two-thirds of the drive was fine. However, when I neared the Illinois/Missouri border, fatigue claimed me before I realized what was happening. Sweetly slumbering at 70 miles an hour, I was awakened by a forceful jolt accompanied by a loud thud. My car veered the other direction across the pavement, cruise control still engaged. ***$#!+***!!! What was that?
Sitting bolt upright, I tapped the brake, got back into a lane and looked around . . . like the outstretched fingers of a ballerina, lights reached toward me, their reflections spanning the still-black surface of the pre-dawn Mississippi. I was somewhere near the center of the river, and my car had smacked into the side of the bridge.
If I could just get to the airport. If I could just make my flight. That's all I really wanted to do then, was to just get to that wedding. I would have checked for damages in the lights at the parking lot had I made it that far, but my tire went flat. What a pain. I mean, I truly couldn't believe it. Even with roadside assistance, I missed my flight. And the tire was ripped to shreds. I only hoped that the rim could be salvaged. I didn't have the money for this!
That's right. I had just crashed into the bridge over the Mississippi River while driving 70 miles per hour, and I was completely unharmed. But I was still upset about my ruined tire. Sometimes, things are a matter of perspective. And sometimes, perspectives change over time.
Losing my job felt horrifying. I'd really wanted to work there! I liked my co-workers and I liked working with my clients. Yes, it was stressful at times, but I felt a sense of purpose in helping people, and over the years several of my clients had asked me not to leave. Yeah, there were things about the place I'd hoped would someday be different, but every job has frustrations. That's why it has a paycheck.
While a paycheck is essential, so is sleep. About 10 months after I had started that job, the agency mandated the full-time clinicians to carry the night/weekend pager. If the pager went off, we got out of bed, got dressed, drove forty minutes (for me, at least) to the site of the emergency, and spent the next few hours assessing and often hospitalizing the individual in crisis. And then we went back home, as the agency refused to provide an on-site place for us to sleep. If the pager went off a second time in the same night, we repeated the process. The last few months I'd worked at this agency, the pager had gone off two or three times nearly every night I carried it.
Now, with winter approaching, I find myself thinking back to the time I made that drive at 3:00am during a blizzard. Despite having the interstate to myself, the road was a sheet of ice, with snow covering it. I left the heat off and the radio on high, hoping to stay awake. Earlier that night, I'd put boots in the car, as well as a blanket, a candle, a lighter, my cell phone, and a sheet of paper with emergency contact numbers. I sincerely hoped not to need any of these. It wasn't safe . . . but all I really wanted to do then was to just be good at my job. (After this point, the agency made suggestions for how to respond to pager calls during inclement weather.)
Thankfully, I have more than one talent. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family who have been very supportive and very willing to help however they can. And thankfully, I now have a part-time job, a home-based business, and I've been interviewing for two jobs that both sound interesting. But even now, several months into a difficult job search, mandates that compromise my safety continue to be a deal-breaker. When I compare my life today with the struggles I know my former co-workers continue to face, I don't envy them. Sometimes, a job loss isn't as bad as it initially seems.
